Day care nap time strategies: parenting advice from Care and Feeding. - Slate

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sons (ages 1 and 2) attend a well-regarded day care in our neighborhood. It’s a school-style center that’s part of a national chain with protocols, curriculum, teacher training, etc. All this is to say it’s a good, safe place, and we are very happy that our boys are there. Our older son, Lenny, just moved into the 2s class, loves his new teacher, and seems mostly happy every day. Our question has to do with napping. Lenny has never been a good napper. At home, he outright refuses to even rest, and cries from his crib for about an hour before we get him. In his last class at school, he napped maybe once every three weeks. However, in this class, he naps reliably every single day for two hours. Every kid in the class naps every day for two hours.

I want to be thrilled. And I am. Sleep is good! But I can’t help scratching my head. My husband tells me I’m thinking too much. Please help me. Could his teacher (who is responsive, fun, and beloved by all kids and parents) be, like, drugging these kids? A couple drops of melatonin in the milk at lunchtime? Does she just rule with a very cozy, snuggly iron fist? Everyone is out cold by 12:15 p.m. Yesterday, when she had a day off, the class was bonkers at nap time. Most kids were running amok. Please tell me this is not weird!

—Sleep Is a Good Thing, Right?

Dear Sleep Is Good,

There are some amazing teachers out there who can get kids to behave (and nap) in ways that parents find completely unfamiliar compared with what they see at home. It sounds like your older son has found one of them! If you’re so curious as to just what goes down in the 2s room on an average day, ask if you can observe for a few hours, perhaps as a volunteer. Many day care centers are willing to allow parents to come in the classroom and see how their little ones are faring (of course, COVID restrictions may complicate this). While I highly doubt something as diabolical (and dangerous) as putting melatonin in the kids’ drinks is afoot, you can always pop up unexpectedly just before lunchtime and offer to help serve, or just try and keep an eye on the process from start to finish.

If you aren’t able to visit at length, schedule a time to talk to the teacher and ask questions about the daily schedule. Perhaps the combination of activities that she’s lined up will produce similar results at home, though it is more likely that her uniquely “snuggly iron fist” is responsible for creating the perfect conditions for long daily naps. Good luck … but I think you’ve already had some in finding this teacher!

Slate Plus Members Get More Advice From Jamilah Each Week

From this week’s letter, I’m Mortified by How My Teens Dress Sometimes: “They want to wear fishnet stockings to synagogue or to visit their grandma.”

Dear Care and Feeding,

My nephew is 2½. Recently, I’ve noticed myself picking up a habit I probably got from my own parents. When my nephew asks me for something (“Play airplane!” “Get the toy train!”), I respond with “Can you say ‘please’?” He always does; I smile and say “Good manners!” and then do what he asks. I realized today that I started doing this on my own; his parents don’t do this. To be clear, I don’t think his parents are neglecting teaching him manners, and I don’t feel like I need to “step in” in any way. The whole “Can you say ‘please’?” thing just seems like standard procedure for toddlers, so I started doing it without thinking about it. I only do this when he’s talking to me, and I don’t comment on my sibling’s parenting unless I’m paying a compliment. Is this a small way to reinforce good manners, or am I accidentally signaling that the parents aren’t doing enough?

—Not Trying to Be Mary Poppins

Dear Mary Poppins,

Part of the work of being an important adult in a child’s life aside from their parents and teachers—the people who, by definition, are tasked with shaping his behaviors—is to be an additional positive influence. One of the ways that happens is by reminding said child of his manners, even if his parents are not inclined to do so frequently themselves. Your nephew will learn social norms from a variety of sources, and you are one of them. You shouldn’t worry that simply reminding him to be polite will stand out in contrast to how your sibling interacts with him, or make either of them feel your sibling isn’t doing “enough,” because it’s highly unlikely that they’d draw these conclusions. Keep up with the kind reminders! He’s young enough for them to be impactful and old enough to begin to understand why manners matter in the first place. All the best to you.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

• If you missed Thursday’s column, read it here.
• Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

My teen is 15 and addicted to TikTok. She used to be much more well adjusted, but once lockdown happened and she was isolated from all of her friends, she became depressed and turned to social media, especially TikTok, to keep her entertained during the boredom and stress of lockdown. Unfortunately, she recently “came out” to us as having dissociative identity disorder. She told us that after she watched some TikTok videos of people who have it, she discovered her own “alter personalities.” From what I understand, this disorder comes from severe childhood abuse, which isn’t true! She had a good childhood, she was always happy and cheerful. She now wants to see a therapist so she can get diagnosed, and looking through her phone, I discovered she has already made a few videos about having DID. I forced her to delete the videos, which was very upsetting to her, and now she is upset that I’m not “validating” her. What do I do? Do I take her to see a therapist, do I call her out on it, or do I just play along?

—Confused and Frustrated

Dear Confused and Frustrated,

TikTok diagnoses are a thing, unfortunately, and it’s not terribly hard to imagine how a young person could get caught up in the idea of having an illness, especially if she is able to see some of her experiences in the stories of people who do have it (or, this being TikTok, people who may believe they have these illnesses regardless of actual diagnosis). I don’t want to completely disregard the possibility that something is going on with your daughter emotionally; while it’s highly likely here that she’s glommed on to the idea of something that isn’t her struggle to bear, she may have made this connection for some valid reasons. As you said, she’s been depressed and isolated from friends. That’s reason enough to seek out therapy services, and while you’re likely to find that she doesn’t have DID, it certainly sounds as though she could benefit from the support of a professional while trying to grapple with the circumstances of the last two years, as well as her feelings regarding what she’s learned online and how she’s processed them thus far. In the meantime, resist disparaging her self-diagnosis and instead focus on letting her know that you are invested in supporting her through anything, that you want to ensure she has the best available resources, and that her health and happiness are both top priorities to you. A therapist can lead the work of divesting from the self-proclaimed DID if necessary; focus on making her feel supported instead.

Also, you have the right to take TikTok away. It will be difficult to keep her off the platform altogether; there’s the school day, out of your line of sight, as well as the ways that TikToks make it to other social media networks and text threads. However, if the app is having a negative impact on her, there needs to be some regulation about how often she uses it and, perhaps, if she should be allowed access to it on her device at all. You’ll really need to talk about the dangers of misinformation and taking what one reads online to be 1) true and 2) personally relevant without knowing for certain. You should also regularly look at her account to see whom she follows, what sort of messaging she’s been engaged in, etc. If she can’t handle TikTok, which it sounds like may be the case, then it needs to be banned in the house. Wishing you the best of luck.

Want Advice From Care and Feeding?

Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have three children (12, 10, 2) but I fear that my 10-year-old son has anger issues. He’s beaten a few kids up for stupid reasons. My ex told me that I should send him to therapy, but I looked it up and therapy is expensive, and right now we are on a tight budget. My ex won’t lend any money for our son. I am scared for my darling boy. What should I do?

—Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

Reach out to your child’s school and see what sort of counseling resources are available. Considering that he’s had issues with violence, they should be willing to extend themselves as best they can in terms of allowing him to meet with the in-house professional, as well as connecting you to other resources that may be available at the district level. Research online and find free and low-cost tools there, such as this book list from the Coping Skills for Kids website. Contact your state’s or city’s department of mental health for information on free therapy services.

This is difficult, time-consuming work on top of having to care for three children and deal with your middle child’s behavior. Be patient with yourself, but be persistent and don’t be deterred by the fact that you may have a lot of paperwork and waiting to navigate in order to get your son what he truly needs. You know that these issues should be taken seriously, and you don’t want to wait until his behavior has landed him in some trouble that he can’t get out of to act. Don’t wave this away. You are his No. 1 advocate, and he needs you now. Wishing you all the best in your journey to get your boy the support that he needs.

—Jamilah

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